Sunday, September 27, 2009

crazy person talk

sometimes i feel like my heart weighs a million pounds and i don't know what to do with it all. i just feel lucky and happy, but often feel like this is a good time in my life and i'm spending it away from my loved ones. i know that it's the time for me to do that and i will eventually head 'home' and be with family/make my own family. but i almost feel bad. i want my family to be close to me during this time. it's exciting and new but i still want them close and live it with me almost (to a certain extent of course) it's hard. when i feel this way, it's hard for me to see the bad in people. that cold feeling i have when i'm feeling 'down' melts so quickly and i almost feel vulnerable.

i feel like i cry at the drop of a hat, over happy things and sad things. over everything. a baby falling out of it's carriage in a 1920's film we watched in class? i had a lump in my throat. an old man walking down the street? a tear comes down my face. i trust people and have never had anyone be truly evil to me. i've never been mugged, had my life threatened by another human or anything like that. i read about it all the time but i don't think i'd even realize it if it were staring me in the face. i cry at babies, when i have to say goodbye to people i love and at the end of jackie kennedy biographys although i know how it's going to end. i never want to piss anyone off and admire people who 'dont give a fuck', although i think those people really do give a fuck. i still wake up in the middle of the night cringing about stupid things that happened years ago. i'm not tough in a lot of ways.

i feel this need to make sure everyone in my life is okay more than ever. i just want to protect. my mom said she used to cry at night when my brother was a baby because she would feel like she'd just want to protect him from bad at all times, and how that feeling never goes away once you have kids. that's the feeling i get at night but i don't have any kids, or a husband obviously. i just think random thoughts about how i want everyone to be okay and it keeps me up at night. is there a pill for this or is this just being a nurturing woman? what the fuck. i'd literally cut off a limb if that would mean that everyone i love would never leave me/be harmed in any way. it's exhausting but i guess it's a nice way to be. i dont know.

the point of this post? i don't know. i just wanted to get it out. maybe you can relate.