Saturday, June 20, 2009

entering my early 20's, it's quite apparent that about 70% of my peers really don't know what they want to focus on in life. One minute they want to do one thing, and the next it's another thing. Probably somewhere in my brain, i'm the same way. I want to be so many things but they are all in the same realm and somewhat easy to achieve if I just give it a try. I feel confident focusing on one such thing because if I'm going to do it, I'm going to it. If I want to try something else, well...then i'll do that too. I never want a 9-5 cubicle job where I'm miserable but that is probably what is on the mind of 95% of my peers. It's that fear of boredom, settling down, giving up new experiences. I totally get it.

However, one certain thing I feel so jealous about are people who make music. Maybe because music has touched my life and is so important to me, I look up to those who create it as some sort of form of God. I don't understand how songs are made, how instruments are played, how lyrics are thought up and put perfectly to the tune of sound. It's something I just have faith in and respect, but will never be able to do it myself. I just read Girls Like Us about female music phenomenons Carole King, Joni Mitchell and Carley Simon. These women had brains, beauty and this amazing capability to produce songs that touched the souls of millions back then and also at this very moment. Books are being written about them, their music still filling our ears through records players or in the backgrounds of book shops.

Even when I watch videos on youtube of The Kills, Arcade Fire, Emily Haines, Tegan and Sara, etc. I look at them with respect and almost thankfulness because they are making something beautiful that makes people's lives better, or at least mine. I get extremely jealous because I just wonder if anyone will ever see me as that. Where am I heading? Will it make any sort of difference to someone? There is a kind of (i hate to use this word) "bad ass" appeal to a girl who can get up in front of a crowd, play guitar and sing like she doesn't give a fuck and impress. We all know the power men have just in general, but especially with music, but when women do it it's a whole other power. Both are equal. Of course music is subjective and what you think is great, I may not. But the admiration is pretty universal. I can only hope that some person can see whatever I do in life and think "that made my day good" or "that made me feel good" because god knows I look to a lot of people's creations and think that.

i don't know if any of this is important or relevant but it just dawned on me that it may seem cocky but being a musician is one of the things that I see as something completely unattainable which makes it almost god-like to me. more god like than actual god stuff. have I just made sense of something in my life a little? maybe. cool.